Two Year Anniversary

Yesterday, I celebrated my two year anniversary with Linda. The exceptionally warm weather made it possible for us to have a picnic breakfast at the Boulder Reservoir-- something we had aspired to do  last year, instead we drank tea sitting in her bed because she had the flu and it was cold outside.

The excitement I felt as soon as I awoke was drastically different compared to one year ago. I started my day off with a swim of 1500 meters--using both arms, swimming breast, free and back!!! Afterwards, I walked around Harper Lake with Karla before heading off to meet Linda.

I know I have much to say about how I am feeling and what I've learned in two years time--I can't yet because it is still forming in me.

What I can say is that gratitude is still with me and I am grateful that it is. It keeps me humbled and honest. 

Full Circle

For the first time since my accident, I swam a continuous 1000 meters this morning. I used both arms, and could actually swim free, back and breast instead of adding in kick sets or drills to make the distance. Other than soreness in my upper right trap, I am fine and feeling very ELATED!!!! My love of water and moving in water continues to amaze me.  It's a place where I can I tap into parts of myself that would never get my attention otherwise. If I hadn't been expected to meet Matt and his sister, Cindy, who is visiting for the week, before they left on an overnight trip to the Sand Dunes, I would have stayed in longer to have played like a dolphin as a way to celebrate my accomplishment.

Yesterday at PT with Sandy, I got another home exercise. I think I am up to 50 exercises by now. (I do about 15-20 per day when I am on a roll). The new one is for balance. She reminded me that it was the same exercise she had given me before my accident. What's starting to happen in physical therapy is that I can't go forward without also dealing with my left and ride side compensatory patterns, mostly due to a leg length discrepancy from a broken femur at age 14. The good news is I have healed enough from the accident for this to be happening.  As one PT put it..."Beth's in the abnormal abnormal category of clients instead of normal abnormal."

My work with Sandy Bertrand began because of back pain in 2008. The lift I wore only in my right shoe stopped working for my body. I had to stop running the pain was so bad.  The first thing she did was stabilize my pelvis by adding lifts to both shoes. Sandy's knowledge of my body is invaluable. Get this.....she can still remember how certain parts used to work pre-accident!  On my end--- I am finally in a place to do the work that will lead to change because I want to really listen to what my body is telling me and I am no longer afraid to feel the emotions that arise when I do listen. I used to go to PT to get put back together so I could trash myself again.  It's a totally different mindset now. I still skip my home PT exercises on the days when I don't have the centeredness or energy needed to be present. Even though I still don't enjoy doing the exercises, I am committed. Hopefully, a time will come when I can find the joy in it since I am a lifer.

Real Recovery

I found it too difficult to post about my recovery over these past several months because it felt painfully personal and too "unformed" to share. Now the time feels right to describe what my internal landscape looks like now--almost two years out from my accident.
The real work of recovery seems to be starting now. Before my focus had to be about healing, becoming pain-free and functional in day to day life, and paying medical bills. Many times on this journey I have arrived at a new place and thought "finally, I can be like I was or, now things are going to get easier". That has shown to be true only at face value. Underneath lies a different reality and its that reality that I seem to be spending more time in. I can't say it's comfortable going deeper within because it's territory I have never traveled before.
Life has a way of pulling at us because that is what life knows to do. Now I get to see that more clearly and realize how hard it is to change ingrained behavior patterns that are set in motion on a neurological level. Change has had to become a daily choice, all the way down to the minute.  I feel compelled to constantly observe if my choice represents what I truly want for myself. 
Today, after an 11 month hiatus from trail riding, I rode my mountain bike on the Marshall Mesa trail--a single track trail providing a fantastic view of the Flatirons, some rolling hills and minimum technical challenges.  My approach was very different this time around. I rode from a place of pure enjoyment to be on the bike again and OUTSIDE! I had no need to ride crazy hard, fearless or take unnecessary risks. Instead, I wanted to get to know how my body felt on the bike and how my bike performed so that we could work more in tandem.  By the end of the ride, I felt completely connected with the machine between my legs. It is so huge for me to make movement more about movement and less about training or avoidance. I still want to trained hard again in the future. However, I can tell that now is not the right time.  It is more important to learn about my relationship to my body, to space and to activity.

Going deeper within means not being afraid of what I feel. What can come up often still is sadness and disappointment. The newest addition is anxiety. I am intentionally creating more unscheduled time for myself and so far, my response to free time has been to feel anxious and overwhelmed, and unclear about what to do or not do with myself. I am learning to make friends with my discomfort. The imagine that comes to mind is of a impenetrable medieval door that has always served as a gatekeeper. No one gets in and no one gets out.  Now this same door has light shining through--indeed there is life on the other side.