The Light has returned

It's official as of today-I am over the flu. I only have the remnants of a cough to shed before I can declare I am completely healthy again. Matt, on the other hand, is very sick. He's on day two of bed rest which is unheard of for him. This time last week he was taking care of me. Now, it's my turn.
I can finally admit that the rest did me a world of good. I feel more settled in myself, clearer and aware that pacing is crucial for keeping myself on the right track for healing. As a precautionary measure because of my bleb (air bubble), I had a chest x ray taken earlier in the week and was able to get a good view of my ribs. My posterior ribs 3-7 have not calloused fully yet. That's what I feel when I lay on my back on the floor, lean against a hard surface or sit upright for too long. I had hoped to get my first full on body massage last week as a way to work on coaxing the muscles around those ribs to release, making room for them to lay flat again but illness prevented that from happening.
This morning, I ate my breakfast on the floor in my meditation room for the first time since October. I surrounded my back side with pillows and placed another one under my right knee. The great news is I experienced no pain! I adopted this practice in the early 90's after having reoccurring dreams of sitting cross legged on the floor eating out of a ceramic bowl. This feels like a major milestone to be out of the recliner and back on the floor. I also took down all the beautiful heart felt cards that were on the walls of our bedroom. It was time. I no longer want to feel like a patient.
Along those same lines, I planned my work schedule for April and May. Finally, I've become ready to move in that direction. My first week back I will teach only 3 hours. By the 6th week, I will be up to 9.5 hours. The slow build feels appropriate even though I know I won't be able to see all of the clients that are ready to start up again.
Despite fear lurking around that I need to start making money, I still am able to remain very clear that I must return to my former life in a gradual way to ensure I am ready and that the changes I am making internally are on solid footing. Real change is slow and takes an immense amount of commitment and focus.
Yesterday, I had a chance to speak with Nathan Lenssen, a sophomore at Claremont College in California. His conference championship starts today and like he's done in the past; he wanted to run by me his plan. I feel incredibly honored that he still reaches out to me. We've been working together since he was 10 years old. He told me something I had passed on to him. He said, "you need to take rest days (from PT)." And, he's right. I loved hearing that from him.
On Friday, a friend stopped by to share her experience over having a traumatic head injury from a rock hitting her on the head while climbing. Her accident was 12 years ago. The empathy, compassion and concern for my well being was deeply moving. The gem she left me with was to remember that my only obligation is to be myself. Being myself now means expressing a part of who I was before while learning to express the other parts of myself that have not been nourished or encouraged until now. Stay tuned.....it's a long process.

Sick at home

It's day two of resting in bed with a fever, running nose, and dry cough that I dread every time it happens. Sneezing and coughing yanks on my ribs and muscles in my back. I can't seem to find a place of comfort in this sickness. My whole body aches. I can't sleep. I read off and on. And, when I feel really bad I moan and cry like a baby to comfort myself. I am definitely struggling with being sick.
A week ago Sunday the signs were present. I was too tired to post on Sunday evening. By Monday, I felt myself entering the zone of wearing myself down. Maybe, it was my grieving that set me up. I expended a lot of energy crying. Fortunately, I re-watched Touching the Void and that gave me a tool. As Joe Simpson crawled his way across the moraine, he employed a part of his brain that took charge and would only allow him to focus on the task at hand. This is the climber who broke his leg on the descent of an alpine climb in a remote part of Peru and his partner cut the rope to save his own life. When that happened, Joe fell into a deep crevasse. Miraculously, he climbed out of the crevasse, across a glacier field before he came to the moraine. His tale of survival inspired me and helped to pull me out of my slump.

Around the same time, I become comfortable with Matt being away and began to find a new rhythm in my routine. Another thing I did was to reach out to a friend and fellow ultra runner, who broke 10 ribs, her pelvis, pubic bone and sacrum in a car accident. At the time, she was 3 months pregnant. Thirteen years later, she continues to run and compete at a very high level and her daughter is healthy. Her story inspired me to get off all my pain medication and to treat my recovery as my job. The new approach has left me feeling empowered.

All in all, this process continues to be so humbly. I feel left raw over and over by having to look so closely at myself if I am to learn as much as I can from what happened. Once again, I am reminded of my gratitude to be alive. Remember the book on gratitude that Linda was working on when I was in the hospital? She introduced the book by writing about my accident and asked me to follow that up by writing about the gratitude I tapped into so deeply. The book is going out to the test market first, so who knows where that will lead.
On that note, I am grateful to be sick at home not in the hospital and appreciate the warmth and light from the sun instead of the bitter cold and snow of the previous weeks. Also, I am grateful to all the people that continue to help me.