Sick at home

It's day two of resting in bed with a fever, running nose, and dry cough that I dread every time it happens. Sneezing and coughing yanks on my ribs and muscles in my back. I can't seem to find a place of comfort in this sickness. My whole body aches. I can't sleep. I read off and on. And, when I feel really bad I moan and cry like a baby to comfort myself. I am definitely struggling with being sick.
A week ago Sunday the signs were present. I was too tired to post on Sunday evening. By Monday, I felt myself entering the zone of wearing myself down. Maybe, it was my grieving that set me up. I expended a lot of energy crying. Fortunately, I re-watched Touching the Void and that gave me a tool. As Joe Simpson crawled his way across the moraine, he employed a part of his brain that took charge and would only allow him to focus on the task at hand. This is the climber who broke his leg on the descent of an alpine climb in a remote part of Peru and his partner cut the rope to save his own life. When that happened, Joe fell into a deep crevasse. Miraculously, he climbed out of the crevasse, across a glacier field before he came to the moraine. His tale of survival inspired me and helped to pull me out of my slump.

Around the same time, I become comfortable with Matt being away and began to find a new rhythm in my routine. Another thing I did was to reach out to a friend and fellow ultra runner, who broke 10 ribs, her pelvis, pubic bone and sacrum in a car accident. At the time, she was 3 months pregnant. Thirteen years later, she continues to run and compete at a very high level and her daughter is healthy. Her story inspired me to get off all my pain medication and to treat my recovery as my job. The new approach has left me feeling empowered.

All in all, this process continues to be so humbly. I feel left raw over and over by having to look so closely at myself if I am to learn as much as I can from what happened. Once again, I am reminded of my gratitude to be alive. Remember the book on gratitude that Linda was working on when I was in the hospital? She introduced the book by writing about my accident and asked me to follow that up by writing about the gratitude I tapped into so deeply. The book is going out to the test market first, so who knows where that will lead.
On that note, I am grateful to be sick at home not in the hospital and appreciate the warmth and light from the sun instead of the bitter cold and snow of the previous weeks. Also, I am grateful to all the people that continue to help me.