Real Recovery

I found it too difficult to post about my recovery over these past several months because it felt painfully personal and too "unformed" to share. Now the time feels right to describe what my internal landscape looks like now--almost two years out from my accident.
The real work of recovery seems to be starting now. Before my focus had to be about healing, becoming pain-free and functional in day to day life, and paying medical bills. Many times on this journey I have arrived at a new place and thought "finally, I can be like I was or, now things are going to get easier". That has shown to be true only at face value. Underneath lies a different reality and its that reality that I seem to be spending more time in. I can't say it's comfortable going deeper within because it's territory I have never traveled before.
Life has a way of pulling at us because that is what life knows to do. Now I get to see that more clearly and realize how hard it is to change ingrained behavior patterns that are set in motion on a neurological level. Change has had to become a daily choice, all the way down to the minute.  I feel compelled to constantly observe if my choice represents what I truly want for myself. 
Today, after an 11 month hiatus from trail riding, I rode my mountain bike on the Marshall Mesa trail--a single track trail providing a fantastic view of the Flatirons, some rolling hills and minimum technical challenges.  My approach was very different this time around. I rode from a place of pure enjoyment to be on the bike again and OUTSIDE! I had no need to ride crazy hard, fearless or take unnecessary risks. Instead, I wanted to get to know how my body felt on the bike and how my bike performed so that we could work more in tandem.  By the end of the ride, I felt completely connected with the machine between my legs. It is so huge for me to make movement more about movement and less about training or avoidance. I still want to trained hard again in the future. However, I can tell that now is not the right time.  It is more important to learn about my relationship to my body, to space and to activity.

Going deeper within means not being afraid of what I feel. What can come up often still is sadness and disappointment. The newest addition is anxiety. I am intentionally creating more unscheduled time for myself and so far, my response to free time has been to feel anxious and overwhelmed, and unclear about what to do or not do with myself. I am learning to make friends with my discomfort. The imagine that comes to mind is of a impenetrable medieval door that has always served as a gatekeeper. No one gets in and no one gets out.  Now this same door has light shining through--indeed there is life on the other side.