Yesterday as I walked along the bike path behind our house that circumvents a prairie colony and coyote den before passing by the local fishing pond; I remembered how I felt ten months ago when I was building up to an hour walk. Both legs feel incredibly strong now in comparison. Walking continues to be one of my favorite activities. Because I walk frequently, I've even tapped back into childhood memories of being mesmerized by fire flies, corn fields, the smell of freshly cut hay and curing tobacco leaves. My whole life has been in dedication to my insatiable desire to move.
Recently, while on retreat I came in contact with an even greater need of mine and that is to make stillness my highest priority. The pull to go down and in with my breathe, with my energy has gained my attention. This calling to settle within myself no longer incites anxiety instead I feel ready. Even though my left side and right side feel more symmetrical, I can still sense imbalances and it's no longer just on the left side. As its been since the beginning of my recovery, my physical body's role is to constantly be a reminder of what my spiritual being requires. I continue to learn that healing from trauma is not a straight line in one direction. The further out I get from my accident, the more aware I become of the number of levels that are still in need of restoration.
Fortunately, I am experiencing less depression and frustration over not being able to swim continuous laps or run for hours on steep rocky trails. I can say this now because I feel a deeper sense of solidity forming within. The restrictions on work, my social life and exercise are still in place. And, I am okay with all of it. It feels right. The big news is that I am down to one PT visit per week!!!!! My body stopped responding favorably to all the various inputs. I've also taken a sabbatical from PT exercises until September.
For fun I've been going camping. The trip with Matt was the first one. We had lousy weather, great views, good fishing and amazing fires. The trip that followed was with a group of women spending 24/7 in nature.
There was rain and heat. Spectacular beauty. Rattlesnakes mating. Hours and hours of silence. Powerful connection. Peace of mind.
Since I've been back home, my teaching has taken on a new level of depth and insight. I seem to be drawing in adult swimmers with significant trauma to overcome. I've never had so many beginners at the same time. I can tell that this work is truly my speciality. The other bonus is that as each swimmer begins to recognize for the first time that learning to swim is possible; I become a immediate recipient of their joy and optimism. Their success makes my slow recovery as an athlete palatable. I can't say why that is....I only know that it's helping.
On the home front, Matt completed the deck. It took twice as long as he anticipated. He says,"it was much harder than the kitchen remodel!" Since he removed the hand railings, I now get a expansive view of our garden and the prairie colony when I sit outside to eat breakfast. His next project is to tile the concrete slabs by the deck.
We celebrated our 5th year of being together last week. This year means the most to me. It's the one that stripped away anything false about each other and left us raw and exposed. Happily, I can say we are better as individuals and stronger as a couple.
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